Self-compassion? Does not compute.
Most of my life, I considered my worth to be dependent on my ability to help others. Helping myself just seemed selfish.
Eventually, I had nothing left to give. I had just experienced a major medical event and, even though my need for compassion was the greatest it had ever been, my inner monologue was cruel and unrelenting. I blamed myself for my illness and I berated myself night and day.
My counselor told me about, Kristin Neff, a researcher and author, who specializes in self-compassion. I’m so grateful for this recommendation. Her “self-compassion breaks” (link below) have been vital to me. I like these because they’re quick and easy to use (I tend to procrastinate longer resources until the “perfect” time when I think I can pay attention, take notes, etc…spoiler alert - that usually doesn’t happen).
I think one of the hardest things has been noticing when I’m struggling and in need of self-compassion. I even have a note on my bulletin board that says “Are you suffering?” (I borrowed this from the Ten Percent Happier podcast - episode link below).
Sometimes, I don’t recognize that I’m suffering until after-the-fact and regret the way I’ve behaved. Maybe I was being arrogant or judgmental of others, offering unsolicited opinions, over-explaining, over-giving, or giving in to a compulsion, etc. Now, I’m trying to unlearn my instinct to chastise myself for these things and, instead, use these behaviors as indicators that I have unfulfilled needs or feel unworthy.
This is a hard skill for me, especially after living another way for so long. I try to remind myself that I have to make mistakes in order to learn. It might sound like this approach would make me “soft” or complacent. This has not been the case. I have seen benefits in my relationships, my productivity, and my self-worth.
What’s more, my mind is no longer a hostile place, where I feel ashamed and inadequate. It’s the place I go when I need to feel safe and loved.
Links:
Self-Compassion Guided Practices - Kristin Neff ~5-20 minute audio recordings
The Benefits of Not Being a Jerk to Yourself | Dan Harris | TED ~14 minute TED talk
Calm Challenge | Day 22 Meditation on Self-Forgiveness ~12 minute Youtube video
Unlocking Us with Brene Brown | Brene on FFTs ~38 minute podcast episode
Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris: How to be Less Judgmental (Of Other People - and Yourself) | La Sarmiento 1 hr 3 minute podcast episode
