“You should just…”

I’m trying to be more aware of two words - should and just. They’re unhelpful on their own, but I think the combination is particularly awful. It’s easier for me to be aware of when other people use them, so I’ll start there…

I have been told that I should do a lot of things and at a certain point in my life, it became overwhelming. I took on everyone’s should’s and I should’ed myself until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I’ve also noticed when people used the word just. They often use it when they want me to do something that’s easy to them. So they assume it’s easy for me. One of my favorite comedians, Maria Bamford, captures this concept well in her bit Easy Cooking.

Basically, I’ve decided that no one except me knows the amount of energy I’m willing to expend on certain tasks. They also don’t know my personal values or struggles…and it’s not my responsibility to explain it, which also takes significant energy (this is particularly hard for me as a recovering pleaser, especially if I’m asked to justify my needs).

I learned in therapy that “should” is included in a list of other unhelpful “automatic thoughts” or “cognitive distortions.” I think “just” could also be added to that list.

I think when people use either word, they are making an assumption about my needs and my goals. I’ve basically stopped listening after people say I should just…anything. I can thank them for the [unsolicited] suggestion and move on. I try to say to myself “I might/could” do x, y, z if it aligns with my values and goals.

Ok, here’s the hard part…I also tell other people what to do. I started to catch myself doing it all the time! That is one of the reasons I made this website! I wanted to tell everyone about resources I thought they should use. I’ve realized that people are going to do things at their own pace, just like I have. I have to make mistakes first in order to learn from them. I need to make my own decisions and take steps when I’m ready. Sometimes it takes an embarrassingly long time for me to be ready…What can I say? I’m an imperfect human just doing the best I can.